I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
