i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
