She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
