You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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