Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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