chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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