there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
