I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My vagina just recognized that song.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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