Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
