my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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