Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
