marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
