Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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