I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
