Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
