who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
