I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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