All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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