I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
