when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
