I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize
