Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
