Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
