I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
