i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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