Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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