Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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