Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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