Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
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So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
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If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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