I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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