When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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