Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
