Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
