What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
