So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
