I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize