He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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