Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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