Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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