my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
