I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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