Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My vagina is officially offended.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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