We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
