I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
