you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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