i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
