I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Randomize
