Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Can you bring me the toilet please
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
