so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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