Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
