I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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