He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
