Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
