How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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