Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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